


If I...

by withoutthetiger



Category: Castle
Genre: Episode Related, Masturbation, Phone Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 12:14:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2109525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutthetiger/pseuds/withoutthetiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's not quite ready for the relationship they both want, but she allows them this big step forward.  After the day they'd had, how could she not?  Takes place after Cops & Robbers (4x07), once they're both in the privacy of their own homes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I Had Stayed

As soon as she heard the resounding click of her front door closing behind her, she leaned back against it, closed her eyes, and sighed, wondering one more time how she could have left. The question had been heavy on her mind through the familiar cab ride home, to her reflective journey up the building’s stairs, to the taunting silence of her apartment. Still, it was over now and she had to find a way to shake it off.

She turned to lock the door before dropping her keys and coat on the steps behind her kitchen; her shoes were kicked off in the next moment. Making her way toward her bedroom, she considered taking a bath, but decided that might feel a bit too sensual on a night when her body was already pulsating with something she should ignore.

Against her wishes, the events of the day replayed in her mind. She had never expected her boring paperwork to be left behind for a hostage negotiation, nor had she expected the onslaught of raw emotion to compete so strongly with the single-mindedness that she usually brought to crime scenes. She’d done her best to keep her feelings restrained while she helped bring a safe end to the situation, but there was no denying the love that had poured out of her eyes when she had smiled at him after the terrifying explosion; she had seen it mirrored on his relieved face.

Then there was dinner, peppered with the banter, adoration, and avoidance that seemed to define their relationship. The wine had flowed as freely as the conversation, and she had been left with a pleasant buzz when Martha and Alexis retreated to their respective rooms. She’d stayed a while longer, enjoying the company too much to hurry home, but choked on something she couldn’t name when he invited her to spend the night. Of course, he had been clear that she could have the guest room, so it wasn’t an invitation for _that_ , but it was enough. She had stumbled over a sincere thank you and a weak excuse, before ducking out of the loft.

Now, ready for bed and wearing nothing but a pair of cotton boy shorts, she crawled under the cool sheets and forced herself to relax into the mattress. It wasn’t terribly late, but it had been a long day and the wine still warming her blood was a welcome calm. She had barely closed her eyes when a familiar ring tone sounded from her nightstand. A soft smile lit her face as she reached for her phone in the dark.

“Hi, Castle.” Often, even knowing he was the one calling, she’d answer with a sharp version of her surname; tonight, she was too far removed from being Beckett. She was only Kate.

His response was barely a breath. “Hi.” Hesitantly, he continued. “Look, I know you were just here, but I couldn’t go to bed without thanking you one more time.”

“Can’t get enough of me, huh?”

“Never.”

That was honest. She supposed the wine was still affecting him, too. Though, at this point, she couldn’t tell if the heat in her own body was from the alcohol or his voice. “Well, that’s what partners do. And thank _you_ again for dinner.”

“Anytime. Seriously, you’re always welcome at the loft…I wish you could have stayed tonight.”

“I wish I could have stayed, too.” The words escaped before she even acknowledged them, but his poorly-hidden gasp brought warmth to her face.

“So why did you leave?”

Somehow, the safety of her bed and the softness of his question allowed her to respond more openly than she normally would. “It was an emotional day, for both of us. Dinner was amazing and almost enough to make me forget all the reasons I’ve asked you to wait.” She drew a deep breath. “If I had stayed, I think I would have forgotten completely.”

“You would have had the guest room, and I never would have gone up there.”

She smiled into the phone. “I know, Castle. But you’re not the only one who knows how to use the stairs.”

“And you really think you would have done that?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t respond right away, but she could hear him moving around. In his silence, she found her hand trailing down her body; his words had long had an intimate effect on her body, and the direction of their conversation only served to heighten that. Her fingers skated over her flat stomach and she paused momentarily at the seam of her boy shorts before dipping underneath. He spoke up just before she could feel how far gone she already was.

“Do you want me to let you go to sleep, Kate?”

Even if she’d been unsure before, she certainly didn’t want him to hang up once her name rolled off his tongue like that. She let her hand move a bit further, the slick proof of her arousal coating the pads of her fingers as she slowly explored. “No, keep talking. Please.”

“About anything in particular?”

“What would you do if I came back downstairs?” Her hand froze where it was, mortified by the way her mouth was operating entirely without permission. It was utterly unlike her and she didn’t know how to stop it. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to.

There was some more shuffling on his end. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

Yes. No. But yes.

“Please.”

She heard a long exhaled breath before he began. “You’d knock on my bedroom door and I’d open it, stunned to see you standing there. I’d reach for your hand and pull you inside without a word, and then I’d slide my hand up your arm and over your shoulder before brushing it lightly across your face, finally moving to palm the back of your head so that I could lean down for a kiss. I guess it would be a gentler version of what happened between us about a year ago.”

She couldn’t help but interrupt, even as her hand picked up its pace. “You were right that night. It was amazing.”

“God, Kate. I just want to make everything amazing for you.”

She almost told him that he already did, but drew a shaky line in the sand, and went quiet. She let one finger slip inside her, bringing more wetness with it when she returned to teasing her clit. There was little doubt that she could make herself come pretty quickly, all her tension coiled and eager, but having him continue to talk her through it was something she couldn’t resist. She kept her speed varied, practiced fingers circling, gliding, pressing, seeking.

After a moment, he continued. “I’m not sure how long I’d be able to keep it slow before opening my mouth to you, inviting you inside, needing your breath as much as I need my own. Last time we kissed, your perfect little moan echoed in my mouth, and I’ve never forgotten that. I want to make you do that again.”

Even biting her lip in an attempt to withhold her reaction, a desperate sound found its way out. She knew it was the first obvious sign as to what she was doing, and she held her breath to see how he’d respond.

If he heard her, he didn’t acknowledge it.

“I’d start walking backward, pulling you with me toward the bed. Stopping just alongside it, I’d bring my hands down to your waist, feeling the heat of your skin for just a moment before dragging your shirt up and over your head. I’d work my way through everything you were wearing, but I’d do it slowly. So, so slowly, drinking in each new revelation, memorizing the way the shadows play off your body.”

She could feel it. The way the material of her clothes teased the needy surface of her skin. The way his hands would just barely touch her as he moved from piece to piece. The way the look in his eyes lit something she had thought was forever dimmed. Trying to hold onto the phone with one hand, as her busy fingers quickened again, she closed her eyes and lost herself completely in his words. The intensity of her arousal was unprecedented.

“I’ve honestly never known anyone like you, and just having you there, naked in front of me, would be overwhelming. I’d undress myself, and then lay you down beneath me on the bed. And, as much as we might have thought that our first time would be a furious tangle of limbs, racing each other for a breathless end, I’d make this something different. You deserve so much more.”

“So do you.”

He let the comment pass, continuing the narrative. “Our bodies would be pressed against each other, aligned perfectly, and you’d know just how much I want you. We’d kiss again, maybe even more passionately than before, and I’d feel your hips arch toward mine. I’d pull away from you, not really meaning to tease, but wanting to learn the rest of your body before falling into the inevitable. I’d whisper something in your ear, something I can’t say even now, and then I’d make my way down your neck, nipping, sucking, and kissing the entire way. When I reached your collarbones, I’d trace them, first with my fingertip, then with my tongue, amazed that something so simple could be so beautiful. Then, I’d move even lower, taking each of your nipples into my mouth as I carefully read your reactions, figuring out what kind of pressure you like without you having to say a word.”

As he spoke, her hand came up to her breasts and she let her wet fingertips pinch at her already taut nipples, imagining everything he described. When she stopped to slide her hand back under her boy shorts, she saw the glistening of the moisture she’d left behind, and she knew it was how she’d look when he released her from his mouth. It was almost too much to take. This time, her hungry moan was undeniable.

“Fuck, Kate.” His breathing was as ragged as hers, and she was relatively certain that his hand was working his body, stroking up and down his length while he wished she were there to envelop him instead. “I need to taste you.”

His change to present tense, the switch from fantasy to reality, was something she had to correct. The whole conversation was dangerous, but to address anything more directly was going to scare her into silence. Even as two fingers drove deep inside her, she nudged him back to the careful hypothetical.

“So tell me what would happen next…if I had come downstairs.”

“I’d gently spread your legs apart, opening your body to me, giving me plenty of room to bring my head down to you. My first taste would be such a small sample, just the tip of my tongue gliding softly against you. After a few moments, I’d flatten my tongue and drag it over you, using more pressure to bring your wetness into my waiting mouth. And as much as I’d love to say that I’d keep up the leisurely pace, I’m just not sure it would be possible; I’d begin truly feasting on everything you could give me, burying my face between your thighs and taking it all in. Just as before, I’d pay close attention to your reactions, giving you more of anything you’d want.”

“Your fingers?”

“God, yes. I’d slide two fingers into you, sighing at the way you’d tighten around them immediately. You’d be so warm, welcoming me inside. I’d move them in and out a few times before stilling momentarily and just feeling the way your body responds when I lean back in to suck on your clit. Then I’d find a slow pace, curling them inside you as I worked to make you come against my mouth.”

It took all her self-control to avoid giving in and allowing herself to come right there, nearly weeping with want as she curled her own fingers in the same way he had described. Her swollen clit was begging for more attention; she had abandoned it for a while in an attempt to preserve her sanity as his words brought her to new heights. Her unintelligible responses to his story were increasingly obvious, her breath coming in uneven gasps, and there was no doubt that he knew exactly what she was up to. She just needed him to finish.

“I’d stay still as you calmed back down, small tremors still lingering behind. Once you were ready, I’d crawl back up your body, holding myself just above you. Then I’d feel your long fingers wrap around me, rubbing my tip through the slickness left behind, before you’d guide me into you, encouraging me with a flushed face and blown pupils. I’d push into you with one firm stroke, forcing myself to keep my eyes locked with yours, not wanting to miss a moment of being joined so intimately.”

She adjusted her fingers again, knowing it wouldn’t be much longer, giving her body the touch it needed to finally let go.

“We’d find a rhythm pretty quickly; we’re already in sync every day. I’d rock my hips into you and you’d meet me thrust for thrust, eventually wrapping your legs around me to make the angle even better for you. Both of us would be getting louder, unable to hold back any longer, the sound of our connection only driving us more. I’d feel you clawing at my shoulders, and hear you confess that you’re close, so I’d let myself get faster, sloppier, bringing us both to that precipice. And when you’d clench around me, mouth open wide and eyes slammed shut, I’d be unable to do anything but spill inside you, offering your body anything it could demand from me.”

That was it. She was right there, fingers working furiously, needing to come as hard as his version of her just had. Her body was pulled so tight, rigid and arching, as if she could get any closer to her own hand. Only one coherent word managed to stumble from her mouth.

“Please.”

“I’m right here, Kate. I’m with you and I’m not going anywhere.”

She knew he was talking about so much more, but somehow the emotional admission was enough to push her over that physical edge. Her orgasm was as intense as she expected it to be; she was gulping for air even as a series of moans announced her release. She’d be embarrassed by it later, but was too lost in the sensations coursing through her body to acknowledge the huge line that had been crossed. Still coming down from her own high, she barely registered his muffled groan of her name, but the hint of it was enough to send her into another small wave of pleasure.

They were both silent for quite a while, though she could hear shuffling on his end while she moved to wash her hands and change into different underwear. She avoided thinking too much about what had just happened, allowing herself to enjoy being sated and happy. Somehow she knew he wouldn’t bring it up once their call ended, giving her whatever space she thought she still needed. As she crawled into bed again, his voice welcomed her back.

“You okay?”

“More than. You?”

“Never better.” He paused, but there wasn’t much left to say. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow, Detective?”

She smiled. “Yes. Good night, Castle.”


	2. If I Could Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enchanted by the wedding they’d just attended, neither Castle nor Kate want the night to end. While they both know she’s not ready for everything she could have, another phone call allows them to continue moving forward. Takes place after “Til Death Do Us Part” (4x11).

It had been an undeniably beautiful night, from the traditional Catholic Mass to the happy couple's first dance to the frivolity that allowed everyone to relax into the romance that surrounded them. She was tired, but still hesitant to abandon the wonder that weddings had always held for her. If anything, this had been the most magical of any she'd attended, simply due to the man walking her out of the reception, and saying goodnight was going to be difficult. She didn't want to let him go.

Of course, she had nobody to blame but herself. He was waiting on the other side of her wall and wouldn't push until she invited him through the rubble.

One of his hands rested on the small of her back, the other opening the door of the cab that had pulled up to the curb. Always the gentleman, he'd offered the use of his car service, but she had reassured him that she was perfectly fine. Now she was frozen on the sidewalk, absorbing what she could of his presence, before turning her head with a shy smile.

"I had a great time tonight, Castle."

His eyes crinkled with his warm smile. "As did I."

They stayed quiet for a moment and she knew he wasn’t any more eager to watch her leave than she was to do it. When he spoke again, she realized that she might have been wrong about him waiting so patiently; he seemed willing to push her a bit, even if he was visibly nervous as he did it.

"Would it be okay if I call you later? After we’ve both gotten home?

Given that he’d never needed permission to call her before, and with their long history of subtext, it wasn’t difficult to decipher his actual question. While it had been over two months since their intimate conversation after the bank hostage situation, one that had allowed her to seek comfort in his voice when she wasn't ready to find it in his arms, it was something she thought of often. That night had taken her by surprise, her moans echoed by his while they were cloaked in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Neither had spoken about it since, no verbal acknowledgment of the line that had been crossed, no promise of what it meant for their future; even so, there had been a quiet change in their relationship and a small step forward.

Looking at him now, she saw that he was just as swept up in the enchantment of the wedding, wanting as much from the night as she’d be willing to give. And maybe it would be selfish of her to hide behind another phone call, but she justified it with the argument that she was working hard to be better for him. She just needed a little more time. If this was the only way to have him in the meantime, she liked to think she could be forgiven, especially if he was the one offering.

She leaned forward and kissed him softly on the cheek before answering against his ear. "Looking forward to it."

*****

As soon as she returned to her apartment, she checked the clock, deciding that she had time for a quick shower before he called. The idea of simply undressing and tucking herself into bed was nice enough, but a hot shower would be soothing, both physically and emotionally, and she couldn’t resist.

With her clothes tossed aside, she stepped under the spray and let the water help wash away her doubts. When the heat from within matched that from the shower, she allowed her hands a moment to explore her own sensitive skin, a tease that satisfied nothing and intensified everything. Stopping before she risked missing his call, she opened her eyes to the steamy bathroom and hurried to finish up; she washed, rinsed, and toweled off quickly. After combing through her hair, she crawled under the covers, unconcerned about putting on pajamas that would only be in her way once his voice was there to warm her up.

A new wave of apprehension swept over her when she stopped to think about the forethought involved in this call. She could excuse the last one because it had happened spontaneously, but this one was planned. He had basically asked if he could get her off over the phone and she had accepted easily, her body humming with naked desire. Suddenly she felt like they were skipping over boundaries, her careful hesitance gone when he reached for her.

When she heard his ringtone, she startled, briefly considering the idea of ignoring it altogether and pretending to be asleep. Her hand hovered over the phone, until she swallowed the panic and answered.

“Hello?” She knew she’d done a poor job of disguising her uncertainty with that single word. 

“Kate? Are you okay?” And of course he had noticed. “Listen, I know this isn’t really something we do, so if you’d rather I just say goodnight and sweet dreams, I would understand.”

Well, he was right that it wasn’t something they do, but wasn’t that the point? They were stumbling forward, and as messy as it was, it felt good to do it together.

“No, we can talk.” Ugh, she still sounded ridiculous. She took a deep breath. “I mean, I want to talk.”

She could almost feel him nodding into the phone. “Okay. In that case, would it be too much if I told you that I felt like the luckiest man in the room tonight? That you were my favorite ‘plus one’ and I hope we can do it again sometime.”

“I think we can make that happen.”

“Yeah?” 

She hated that he sounded so surprised by that. After everything, even knowing the reason for his phone call, he still worried that they weren’t headed in the same direction.

“Yes, Castle, I’d like to be your ‘plus one’ again. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a last minute thing. Maybe it would be more obvious than that, the idea of us attending things together.”

“In that case, I should probably stop avoiding all the party invitations that Paula throws my way.”

They both laughed, and she found herself relaxing into her bed, her nerves fading when met by the familiar warmth of his voice Calm and in sync, they fell silent for several seconds, sensing a turn in the conversation. She decided to speak up first, leading the safe hypothetical.

“So, if you accept one of those invitations, and if I could be there as your ‘plus one,’ what would the night be like? How would it be different from now if it were planned that way from the beginning? If you picked me up and took me home? If you knew how much I wanted to be there with you?”

He sighed contentedly and she was struck by the knowledge that he was happy enough just to hear her say that she wanted to be by his side. “Well, I know I’d have a difficult time keeping my hands off of you, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible. I just wouldn’t be able to resist the chance to trail a fingertip down your bare arm, to brush my hand against your hip, to intertwine my fingers with yours.”

It was so innocent, but his description was already affecting her. She let him continue while she closed her eyes and pictured every detail.

“When the time was right, I’d lead you to the dance floor. It would be similar to what happened tonight, but I’d be much less nervous and you’d allow yourself to relax into me, knowing that I was there to hold you for as long as you wanted. Our clasped hands would be pulled in toward our bodies, carefully intimate, and my other hand would be pressed into the subtle curve of your back, holding you close as we moved. Whenever we weren’t whispering beautiful nonsense, you’d let your head rest against my shoulder, your breath teasing my neck with the promise of a kiss that’s yet to come.”

Her eyes stayed shut while she added to the narrative. “I wouldn’t make you wait long. I think my lips would find the soft angle of your jaw, working my way up to your ear where I could offer you even more.”

He hid his moan with a small cough, hurrying ahead. “Unfortunately, with our bodies so perfectly aligned, my enthusiastic response to your mouth would become embarrassingly clear. Part of me would feel like I should pull away and focus on the romance of the dance.”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t pull away.” _You’re speaking hypothetically, Kate_. “I mean, you shouldn’t have to pull away. I’d want you to hold me tightly against you, even in that moment. Especially in that moment. My response would be just as intense, even if you didn’t know it yet.”

It was easy enough to make that prediction, given her strong reaction to their current conversation about it, her fingers already wet with the evidence between her legs. Her mind wandered, imagining whether he was seated at his desk or lying in his bed, whether he was already free of his boxers and resting heavily against his own palm. So much of her wanted to know, but enough of her needed to hold back. That topic would be far too real and she clung to their thinly-veiled fantasy instead.

“Okay, then we’d continue to sway to the music, our hips pressed together to hide our secrets, our hands joined in a way that revealed nothing.” He paused and she waited to see where he’d take them next. The dance could only go on so long. “Everything would be wonderful, a fairy tale, but eventually it would be time to take you home.”

“But you wouldn’t just drop me off, would you? You’d come inside.”

“If you asked me to.”

“I’d need you to.”

She knew how lost he was when he didn’t tease her about needing him, choosing instead to push her further. “Tell me what you’d need from me, Kate.”

Two of her thin fingers were gripped tightly by her hungry body, suggesting exactly what she needed from him. She stilled them before carefully sliding them away, unwilling to let go so early in his story, wanting to hear more before she gasped his name and wished he were there.

“So much. There’s just so much.”

“I know you like to shower or bathe at the end of the day, so I’d quietly lead you there, still unable to let you go completely.” She moaned at that, the realization that he was so aware of her habits. “I’d push you up against the bathroom wall and ask you if wanted to me to wait elsewhere, hoping that you would say no.”

“No. No, I wouldn’t want you to wait elsewhere. I’d want you with me.”

“Would you tell me that?”

She wasn’t sure, even within a daydream. “I’m so bad at the words, Castle. But I’d take your hand and tug you inside, turning on the shower and hoping you understood.”

“I think I’d catch on. And I’d help us out of our clothes, the steam filling the small room as I carefully unzipped your dress and kissed my way along each newly-exposed part of your body. You’d hurry me along, just as impatient as you are at the precinct, and I’d let you push me toward the shower.”

“It’s been so long.” Her hand was moving again, gently gliding over her clit, keeping the pressure light as she pictured what it would have been like to have him in the shower a short while ago.

“For me, too. But the wait would be worth it, being able to see the way the water coasts over your curves, the way it plays against your neck when you let your head fall back into the spray. Seeing you so relaxed would have me torn between wanting to leave you alone and wanting to press myself against you so that I could absorb that tranquility. I’d compromise, reaching for your shampoo and pouring it into my hand so that I could wash your hair for you.”

Fuck. How did _that_ idea completely mesmerize her? It was so simple, but she knew in that moment that it had to happen someday. 

Without a word from her, he kept talking. “I can’t properly explain how affected I’d be by having my hands in your hair, massaging your scalp, and watching the trail of bubbles fall down your back. Once you’d rinsed, I’d do it all over again with your conditioner, your soft hair threaded between my fingers. This time, I’d turn you around and help you rinse it out, even as I leaned in to kiss you, unable to resist any longer.”

“Yes. Kissing you under the stream of the shower, feeling you press against me just as you had on the dance floor…it would be perfect.”

“Eventually I’d pull away, ready to help you wash the rest of your body. You wouldn’t have to do a thing, just let me rub the body wash into your skin, my hands reading every subtle story along the way. There would be the more expected observations; I’d feel the way your nipples pebbled in response to my touch and the way your hips naturally seek contact with something solid and fulfilling. But there’d be so much more than that. A sprinkle of goose bumps across your abdomen. The curling of your fingers. A pink flush on your chest that would be surprisingly separate from anything caused by the heat of the shower.”  
Her body was aching for more, but she kept control, choosing to run her hand over her body as he detailed his exploration of her. There was no doubt that he was going describe a lot more than touching her and she felt her body clench wantonly in preparation.

"As I moved lower, I'd drop to my knees in front of you, watching as the water carried away the bubbles and left you wet and wanting. I'd nudge your legs apart, then slide my hands around your hips so that I could hold you still while I got my first taste of you."

She sighed with some combination of need and regret. "That first taste would tell you everything."

"Everything about what?"

"How much I want you."

It was his turn to sigh. "When you're ready, Kate. No sooner than that."

"I know. But please keep talking. Tell me about it."

She heard him shuffling around, possibly changing positions, and she moved her hand back down to her center, softly stroking the slick and swollen skin.

"My mouth would be open against you, my tongue tracing meaningless patterns until I give in and take your clit between my lips, guided by the moans made louder by the acoustics of the shower. One of my hands would slip between your legs and I'd ease two fingers deep inside you, pulling my head away just long enough to watch your reaction to the intrusion."

Pushing three of her own fingers inside her, she spoke up on a gasp. "It would feel so tight, so amazing. I'm not sure I could keep from moving."

"Moving how?"

"Um, my legs. Or my hips." _Just fucking say it._ "I'd probably start riding your fingers, desperate for that pressure inside me. And I'd put my hand on the back of your head to guide you forward, wanting you to suck on me until I come."

His long groan made her worry that he would finish too soon, when she wanted more from him before they had to pretend that nothing had happened. Fortunately, he seemed to catch himself and started talking again.

"You have no idea how much I want to make you come like that. The way your body would grip my fingers even as I kept them pumping inside you. A new wave of your scent matching the additional flavor on my tongue from lapping hungrily at your weeping body. I'd draw it out as long as I could for you, encouraged by the way you'd tremble at my touch."

She jerked her own hand away, too close to the orgasm he'd just described. Not that she couldn't have more than one, but she knew it would be worth it to hold out for as long as he kept the story going. She let her fingernails tease the insides of her thighs, delighting at the sensitivity of her skin even as he continued speaking.

"I'd carefully stand back up and hold you close to me before turning off the shower and helping both of us out from the cloud of steam. We'd dry off quickly, then move to your bed where I could ease you onto your back and hold myself over you as we kissed again. I'd make sure you were ready before I pushed forward, so eager to feel you around me."  
"Wait, Castle. We can't---I mean, not yet."

"You want to stop?"

"No! God, no. I just..." She trailed off, really not sure of how much she could say. She felt like she'd already gotten bolder and she was still relaxed in the warmth of his voice, but how much more could she let go?

As always, he was there to encourage her. "Just tell me what you want next. It's your story, too."

"I don't want to be the one on my back. I want you to lie down so that I can crawl between your legs, just like you did for me. I want you in my mouth."

"Fuck, Kate." He was moving again, probably restraining himself as much as she had been doing throughout the conversation. "Okay, then I'd be on my back. Do you want to describe this part?"

“I’m not sure how.”

His smile managed to come through in his words. “That’s why I’m here to help. So, would you take me into your mouth right away or would you touch me first?”

“I’d touch you. I’d wrap my hand around you and start stroking up and down, loving how heavy and solid you’d feel against my palm.”

“Seeing your fingers curled around me like that would be incredible. Would you do anything else?”

“Um, I think I’d twist my hand a bit as I tightened my grip, watching closely for your reaction.” She hesitated again, but took a deep breath. “And then I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from rubbing my thumb over your tip, picking up the moisture there and bringing it to my mouth.”

This time, she wasn’t surprised at all to hear him moan and was a little proud of herself. The strain in his voice was obvious when he spoke again. “How much longer would I have to wait to feel your lips around me?”

“Is that what you would want?”

“Yes, Kate, please.”

“Tell me.”

“But I don’t want to push you.”

Now it was time to encourage him. “This was my idea, remember? I want this. And I know you’ve imagined it before, so tell me what you’d want me to do.”

“I’d want your entire mouth on me, your lips and tongue, so perfectly hot and wet. I’d want you to keep your hand around me, twisting and stroking as your head bobs up and down, your long hair tickling my body as you moved. I could only hope that you’d hum with enthusiasm, letting me feel the vibrations when you took me deep inside your mouth, swallowing against me.”

“Of course I would.”

“It wouldn’t be the time for it, and maybe I shouldn’t even say this now, but I know I’d be thinking about how much I’d want you to make me come like that someday. Your mouth working over me while I try not to thrust my hips toward you. Your dark eyes meeting mine when you pull back to suck on my tip, silently giving me permission to let go when you slide back down. Just knowing that you’d want that…it would push me over the edge.”

“But it wouldn’t be the time for that?”

“No. I’d put my hand on your shoulder and stop you before it could get that far. Then I’d find your hand and bring you back over my body, needing to kiss you. Needing to find whatever hint of myself was hidden on your tongue.”

Her hand was busy again, his descriptions giving her no other choice. She did her best to keep her fingers slow and gentle, ready for whatever he’d say next. She knew they were almost done, so she asked one more brave question.

“Would you want me to be on top?”

“Yes.”

“Then talk me through it. Give me every detail. Tell me what it would be like for both of us and don’t stop. Please, just don’t stop.”

Knowing that he’d do as she asked, she put her phone on speaker and set it down on the bed. Then she rolled onto her stomach and tucked one arm beneath her body, the hand between her legs in position for her to grind against it while he spoke. She let herself close her eyes and picture herself straddling him, her free hand gripping the sheets while she waited.

“You’d already be pressed against me, both of us having trouble pulling away from the kiss long enough for anything else to happen. But then you’d shift your hips and open yourself up to me so that I could feel your heat, the wetness making it so easy for you to slide against my shaft. I’d finally let you go, just long enough for you to sit up and take me in your hand, holding me still until you could lower yourself and cause us both to get completely lost for a moment.”

“I’m not sure I could ever describe what it would feel like to be buried inside you like that. To feel your muscles holding me so intimately, as if your body needed me, wanted to feel everything I can give it. You would start to rock over me, cautiously at first, but then you’d find a rhythm that worked for you, an angle that allowed me to fill you up and stroke where you needed it most.”

He had the amazing ability to make it all about her, even while he had to be getting himself off on the other end of the phone. She didn’t bother containing her increasing moans, the occasional gasps as her hips pushed her clit against her own hand. She had rarely been so aroused, and it definitely hadn’t happened since their last phone call. Just a few more words from him and she’d fall apart.

“Eventually I’d be able to see your control slipping and I’d move my hands to your hips to help you move, bracketing your waist and guiding you over me. Part of me would be tempted to close my eyes and listen to the sounds our bodies would make together, wet and primal, but I’d force them to stay open as you got closer to the edge, afraid to miss any second of it.”

“Being able to watch you like that, seeing your eyes lose focus as you let yourself feel everything you usually contain so carefully, it would be the most incredible thing. You’d be so fucking beautiful, Kate. So fucking beautiful. I want you to come for me.”

So she did.

There was no doubt he caught his name as it poured from her lips, the volume barely dulled by the pillow into which she had planned to scream. She couldn’t care about what he heard, not when wave after wave coursed through her, the shaking uncontrollable. Her entire body had tensed, but somehow she kept thrusting into the bed, prolonging the sensations and giving her more reason to cry out into the otherwise empty room. 

It was only when she finally quieted, her heart still pounding against the mattress, that she picked up the noises coming from the phone. Apparently reassured by her own willingness to stop hiding what she had been doing, he was letting himself go just as loudly. She leaned closer to her phone and hurried to help him in those final seconds, her recovery inhibiting her ability to censor anything she wanted to say.

“Please, Castle. God, please come for me, too. Let me hear you.”

She could tell his orgasm was as intense as hers had been, his soothing voice replaced by something that had surrendered to need. The groaning of her name echoed long after it had left his mouth and she knew she wouldn’t be complete until she was able to hold him while he made that same perfect sound.

Neither of them had any interest in speaking up, not while they could simply listen to the other’s deep breaths, so they just lay there in the quiet. It wasn’t until hours later, the sunrise still far from threatening the darkness, that she realized she had fallen asleep at the end of their call, never getting the chance to say goodbye. She was struck with the worry that she had left him alone, as if he hadn’t just given her another amazing gift. Reaching for the phone that still rested next to her naked body, she saw that there was a single text message awaiting her.

_You’re beautiful even when I’m not close enough to see you. Til next time…_


	3. If I Were To Tell You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was slipping away and it was her last chance to grasp at the relationship they could have, if only she could stop tripping over her fear. Could she make her feelings clear through one more phone call? Starts at the end of "Undead Again" (4x22).

Things had been screwed up between them for a while.

She wasn’t entirely sure what had happened, but his dalliances with a busty flight attendant and an arrogant detective had made it clear that something was wrong. If she were being completely honest, she knew her own flirtation with Scotland Yard’s finest hadn’t helped the situation. Still, she was shaken by the idea that, after all these years, he might be done with the precinct. Done with them. Done with her.

It was time to stop being so afraid of what they could have together, though her rapidly pounding heart reminded her of all the reasons why she had held back. If she didn’t find a way to swallow that fear, to reach out one last time, she was going to lose him completely. She’d been selfish long enough, certain that it was the right way to proceed, but it didn’t take much to see that her plan was falling apart.

With their case wrapped up, she’d had to take the opening he gave her, admitting that she was in therapy. She’d carried it a step further when she had acknowledged that she wanted to be able to accept everything that had happened the day of her shooting. Something in his eyes made her keep talking, so she had confessed that her wall had almost come down and that she’d like him there when it finally did. They’d both covered up those serious seconds with jokes and smiles, but it had felt surprisingly good to have allowed a moment of truth.

He was leaving now, a zombie eager to get home to his daughter, but watching him walk away, even with the promise that he’d see her tomorrow, was too much. There was one more way to reassure him, personal censors be damned.

“Castle---“ She had to pause for a deep breath as he turned to face her again.

“Kate?”

She bit her lip and let her eyes lock with his. She owed him that much. “Will you call me tonight? Please?”

There was no need to be any clearer about what she wanted, two previous phone calls between them having set an obvious precedent, but she noted the surprise that shone through his heavy makeup. It was the first time she was initiating it, asking him for another encounter that would leave them sated and gasping each other’s names into their lonely bedrooms.

He smiled back at her and nodded. “Yes, I’ll call.”

*****

Once she was back at her apartment, she did her best to distract herself; she sipped her way through two glasses of wine, took a bath, messed around with her guitar, and paced more than could be considered healthy. Dropping her robe in a chair and leaving herself bare, she eventually curled into bed and stared pathetically at her phone, willing it to ring. She knew that some apprehension would always claw at the edges of her mind, but she was ready for this. She just hoped he still was.

When his picture flashed across the screen, she didn’t wait long before answering.

“Hi, Castle.”

“Kate.” Her name was no more than a breath, as if he were afraid to spook her.

“Are you okay with talking tonight?” It was strange to be the one asking that question, but after weeks of strained conversations, it seemed necessary. “I mean, I know we haven’t spent as much time together lately, and if you had any other plans…”

“No other plans.” Something in his voice made it clear that he had more to say, so she pressed her lips together and waited him out. “And maybe we should be talking about a million other things, everything that’s been pulling us apart. Maybe we should sit down and have an actual conversation. Yell, scream, cry, whatever. I don’t know anymore.”

“Castle, I---“

“Shhhh, Kate. Let me finish. I think there’s a lot that needs to be said, by both of us, but it’s not going to happen right now. After our talk today, after everything you told me, I just want this. Us.”

She was stunned by his honesty, a directness they both lacked when it came to anything about them. And she wasn’t sure if it made what she had planned to say easier or more difficult. Either way, it was too late to turn back if she wanted any chance at moving forward. She still needed the safety of the phone call, a small way to hide, but damn if she would hold back completely.

“I want this, too. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what I said to you earlier. So, what if I were to tell you that I don’t want to wait for the wall to finish coming down? What if I want us to knock it down together?”

His exhale was deliberate. “What exactly are you asking me?”

“If you were here right now, and I confessed that I’m ready for more, what would you do?”

Other than a sharp breath, she heard nothing from him for several seconds. Eventually there was some shuffling around, but his response took even longer; she could do nothing but tremble from beneath her cool sheets.

Finally, he cleared his throat and replied. “For four years, I’ve been here, waiting for those words. Hearing them would be surreal. I feel like the obvious answer is that I’d push you up against a wall, unable to contain the feverish need that had been long restrained. Grabbing, biting, demanding everything that you’d finally be willing to give. That I’d kiss you with an almost painful hunger, begging you to take from me just as desperately. But I don’t think it would happen that way at all.”

“No?” Relieved that he had comfortably started his story, she relaxed against the bed and closed her eyes to the emptiness of the room. In no rush, she let his voice stoke her arousal, keeping her free hand resting lightly on her stomach.

“No. It would be so much more tender than that, my gratitude poured into your mouth as you sipped from my lips. Our hands exploring cautiously, our bodies oddly patient.”

“Slow would be perfect.” Knowing it was time to reciprocate, she kept going. “I’d still be scared, Castle, but it would be everything I’ve wanted for so long. Our arms around each other, satisfying in a way that these phone calls can’t be. The intimacy that would come from looking into your eyes, while still hearing my name tumble from your mouth. I wouldn’t know how to surrender to that, but I would want you to lead me. I would want you to kiss me until I know that I will be okay. I would want you to show me that I’ll be safe when I let everything go.”

“God, Kate. I would do all of that for you, if you’re sure you’d be ready.”

Finally letting her hand slip between her thighs, she dipped her fingertips into the wetness that awaited her, far from bold, but enough to let her know how much she wanted him. Needed him.

“I’m sure.”

The words had barely been spoken when she heard the soft knock at her front door; given how late it was, there was no doubt about who was waiting on the other side. She pulled her fingers from her body, set the phone on her nightstand, and grabbed her discarded robe, tying it as she padded through the apartment. Giving herself no time to think, her cowardice only a second away, she simply looked through the peephole and swung the door open.

His phone was tightly clutched in his hand, as if he thought holding onto it was the only thing keeping their connection intact, so she eased it away with a nervous smile and led him inside. Setting it aside as soon as she could, she turned to face him, her heart racing in spite of being calmer than she would have expected.

“You’re here.”

He nodded unnecessarily. “I’m here.”

“How?”

“I called you from downstairs. After everything you said at the precinct, I took a chance. I just hoped---“

She had started the small talk, but she wasn’t interested in finishing it, stretching on her tiptoes to quiet him with a kiss. Their lips barely touched, but it was enough. He responded immediately, bringing both of his hands to cradle her face, deepening the kiss even as he kept it just as gentle as he had described on the phone.

With their tongues engaged, she let her hands roam, tracing her fingertips up his back and over his shoulders. She moved them up to his face, mirroring his hold on her and causing him to pull away with a sly smile. It didn’t take long to decipher his expression, as he took her hand and carefully slid two of her fingers into his mouth. The same two fingers that must have still held a trace of her arousal. She would have been embarrassed that she’d gotten that far with only a few words from him, but the mixture of lust and adoration in his eyes was enough to make her forget.

When he released her fingers, she kissed him once more and then clasped his hand in hers and took him down the hall to her room. Standing next to her bed, they couldn’t help but wrap their arms around each other again, reveling in the ability to do so, to breathe in each other’s presence. Her mouth found the side of his neck, sucking softly before she made a timid request.

“Will you keep talking? Keep telling our story?”

He ducked his head down to capture her lips again, opening for her quickly and swallowing her uncontrolled moan before mumbling his response. “I’ll tell it as long as you’ll let me.”

She knew she’d have to stop kissing him if she wanted to be swept up the familiarity of his voice, but it was difficult when his tongue met hers again, comforting her just as surely as he worked her up. When he backed away, she missed the contact, but was eager to hear the words he had to offer.

“I’ve thought about this so many times.” She smirked, but he shook his head. “Not just the obvious stuff. All the little things. The way I’d look down at your lips and know that I’m allowed to find out what they taste like. And how I’d find ways to make you tremble long before we fall together. The chance to stand in front of you when you begin to undress me, your thin fingers against my skin as you tug the material away.”

At that, she reached for the hem of his shirt, intentionally letting her fingertips tease the surface of his stomach as she pulled it upward. With it tossed aside, she ran her hands through his mussed hair and smiled, leaning toward the warmth of his chest.

“You’d kiss me as you unfastened my pants and let them drop to the floor, then you’d catch my gasp when you’d slide your palm over the material of my boxers.” She did just as he described, keeping her kiss brief, her hand pressed against him as he continued. “It’s been no secret that I’ve wanted you for a long time, but the first time that you’d actually feel that desire? Honestly, I’d feel vulnerable…exposed.”

She looked up at him wide-eyed, surprised by his admission. “Really?”

“You’re not the only one nervous to move forward, Kate. Hiding behind hypotheticals has worked well for both of us.”

Guilt over her own self-centeredness bubbled inside her, but she pushed it back down, knowing that they both had a lot of learning to do. For now, she’d just have to reassure him while she allowed him to give that same gift back to her. She began to stroke him unhurriedly and gathered the strength to join the storytelling.

“There have been so many nights that I’ve gotten out of the bath and wrapped myself in this robe, just to look down and imagine your hands untying it. I would see it so clearly, the way your hands would hesitate at my shoulders, making sure that I was okay with what you were about to do. I’d give you the slightest nod and you’d push the fabric down my arms until it slipped from my body entirely.”

He nudged her hand away from his body so that he could focus on the shy words spilling from her mouth. Once he’d untied the robe and let it fall open, he trailed a fingertip down her exposed sternum, finding her scar even as he stared into her eyes. He leaned down to kiss her again, and she felt all of his apologies and promises pass from his lips to hers. She was grateful that he didn’t linger there for long, choosing to follow through with what he had started, pushing her robe aside and leaving her naked in front of him.

“Don’t get me wrong, Kate. I’ve always known how beautiful you are, and that seeing your body like this would be amazing, but it hasn’t really been about that since our first case.”

“So what’s it about?”

He smiled, even as his words remained serious. “Your willingness to let me see you at all.”

As she absorbed that, he managed to kick away his shoes, socks, and pants. Then she brought her hands to the waistband of his boxers and looked up at him. “Any thoughts about this moment?”

“Too many, probably. You’d carefully ease my boxers away and I’d step out of them, catching your eyes just before they flicked downward. When you palmed me again, no barrier separating us this time, I’d take a deep breath and just let myself feel the warmth of your hand. You’d wrap your fingers around me and take your time getting familiar with my reactions to your touch, varying the pressure, pulling back to tease me with the tiniest scratch of your nails, brushing your thumb across my tip until I flinched from the sensation.”

She followed everywhere he led, pausing when he did. “Would you want me to drop to my knees, explore everything with my mouth?”

“Is that a trick question?” He laughed, but shook his head. “Actually, no, I wouldn’t want that. I mean, I would really, really want that, but not yet. Not now. I’d just want you to keep using your hands, gliding them all over my body in a way that would probably drive me mad.”

Releasing him, she let her hands slide over his stomach and to his chest, placing open-mouthed kisses against his skin as she let her fingertips skate across his nipples, noting the subtle shiver he offered in response. She moved over his shoulders and clawed her way down his back, finally settling on the ass she’d admired for years. She wasn’t particularly gentle when she pressed her hips into his, suddenly needing any hint of contact she could find; he noted her urgency and found her mouth for another deep, lazy kiss, slowing her down even as they began to rub against each other.

Eventually he helped ease her onto the bed, his weight anchoring her to the mattress while she floated into their kiss. Her body arched into his when he pulled away, looking down at her curiously.

“Have you thought about this, too? About me doing more than untying your robe? About what you would want now?”

It was incredible that after all this time he still had no idea how often, aside from the two obvious times, she had come with images of him in her head and his name on her lips.

“All the time. Probably long before I had any right to.”

His tongue traced a delicate line just below her jaw, an involuntary tremor travelling the length of her body when he reached her ear.  
“Will you talk me through it?”

As much as she wanted to, she wasn’t entirely sure she’d be able. Her surging arousal was already strangling rational thought, and putting her fantasies into words seemed impossible. While she struggled to respond, he sucked on the soft skin of her neck, leaving there only to work his way over her collarbone and down to her breasts. There he waited, looking up at her with quiet eyes.

“You’d lightly brush your fingers over my nipples and find that they’re terribly sensitive to your touch. Then you’d cup my entire breast, watching me carefully as you increased the pressure from your hand, lowering your head to take a nipple into your mouth. You’d tease it with your tongue until I whispered for you to give me more, needing you to be rougher with me.”

She wondered if that admission was too much, but he eagerly met her challenge and she continued.

“Eventually you’d move away, kissing across my abdomen and then nipping at the curve of my waist with your teeth, your hands holding my hips as I fought to stay still beneath you.”

“Would I get to taste you, Kate?”

The way she arched off the bed was probably answer enough, but she still managed to nod.

“Tell me.”

“Castle…”

He noted the small whine in her voice and smiled up at her. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I can take over from here.” He slid down to kiss the inside of her thigh. “But if you’re comfortable enough, I’d really love to hear what you’ve imagined. How I would make you come with my mouth.”

Her legs were spread further apart by his gentle hands and she gasped when his breath tickled her skin; the knowledge that he was so close, could see how wet he’d made her, was enough to make her talk.

“There’d be no teasing. Not the first time.” She felt him laugh against her. “No, not because I can’t handle it or because I don’t like that. I would just need you so much, and I hope that you would need me, too. So I’d want you to be forceful and tender, using your lips and tongue against me without reservation as you held me open. I would be able to feel the tip of your nose, the scruff on your chin, and the hint of what I’d get soon enough when you’d dip your tongue inside me. You’d pull back and let your mouth roam, discovering each spot that makes me writhe, and you’d have to drape an arm across my waist. It would all feel amazing, even the restraint, but I’d beg you for more, so you’d move up to my clit and take it between your lips. My hands would be on the back of your head, trying desperately to avoid pushing you further into me, but needing you to know how close I would be to coming when you sucked on me like that. My words would be gone, beyond an incoherent chant of your name and a handful of expletives, and I’d accept my body’s need. Please, Castle. Please make me come.”

She closed her eyes and let her request hover in the charged air. He didn’t disappoint. When she cried out her release, he never stopped, choosing instead to simply slow down and ease the pressure against her. It wasn’t until the trembling had dissipated that she felt him crawl back up her body, looking down at her with dark eyes that might never stop showering her with love. She pulled him closer so that she could kiss him with just some of the emotion humming under her skin. He was careful to brace himself above her, but she wrapped her arms around him insistently, craving his weight on top of her.

“Talk to me, Castle. What would happen next?” Her question was unnecessary, and barely a mumble between their lips, but he answered with his deliciously low voice.

“I’d need to be inside you.” She couldn’t contain her long moan, a plea for that final connection. “I’d use my knees to nudge your legs apart, keeping the rest of my body as close to yours as possible, and I’d reach down to guide myself to where your body still wept. Positioned there, barely pushing against you, I’d bring my hand up to your face and make sure I could look into your eyes during that first slide into your body. You’d want to close them, your fears lingering in spite of everything, but I’d remind you that you’re safe with me.”

“I’m learning. Just keep teaching me.”

His mouth was against hers in an instant, open and fierce, as if he could swallow all her doubts. For several moments, they ignored the fact that he was buried deep inside her, choosing to let their kiss bring them together just as intensely as anything else could. When he finally broke away, he rose up on his arms and began to pump into her.

“Look down at us, Kate. Watch the way your body welcomes mine. There’s no struggle there at all, just an eagerness to be filled with something I can bring to you.”

They were both done with the fantasies, finally ready to focus on everything real. She managed to support herself on her elbows and see the intimacy playing out between them, tightening against him in response.

He kept his pace steady while he continued to encourage her. “Listen to the sounds we make. Everything from the wet rhythm of your arousal along my length to the shuddering breaths we take in between accidental gasps of pleasure. Reach down and feel how perfectly we fit together, four years of friendship finally becoming more.”

The slickness that coated her fingertips as she glided over her clit and touched him on each smooth stroke was stunning to her; while she’d had lots of wonderful experiences in bed, the heightened awareness that came with his words had opened her up something entirely new. She fell back to the mattress and shivered.

“It really is perfect.”

When he suddenly withdrew from her completely, she looked up at him, surprised and unable to stop the whimper that slipped from her lips. Silently, he helped her roll over onto her stomach, keeping her body pressed against the sheets, her head turned sideways as it rested flat on the bed. She felt one of his strong hands travel from the nape of her neck to her tailbone before he skimmed the curve of her ass and opened her legs just enough so that he could fit between them.

Aware of what he needed, she raised her hips slightly and allowed him to thrust into her once more, before they slowly lowered themselves together. The new position made everything even tighter, each slide of his body relatively shallow, but hitting her at an angle that many men failed to find at all. With him blanketing her, she was grounded, free to focus on each incredible sensation while he spoke quietly against her ear.

“You are so wet right now. You’re hot and needy and contracting around me as if you will never let go.” He sped up, rocking into her with increasing force while he licked and sucked at her neck, bit her shoulder. She had no idea how he was still coherent; she was gone. “I want this to last forever, but I’m too close, too lost in what your body is doing to me. I’m going to make you come one more time for me, so that I can finally give you everything I have.”

One of his hands slid under her hips in the next moment, giving her something more solid to grind upon as he continued to push into her from behind. His other found her breast and roughly cupped her, eventually pinching her nipple and making wonderful use of the knowledge he’d gained earlier. Given the closeness of their bodies, neither could move much, but they didn’t need to. They simply rocked together until she choked out a few breathless words.

“I’m so close.”

“Oh, Kate. I love you so, so much. Please let me feel you come.”

It had been almost a year since he’d first made that admission and she’d longed to hear it ever since, even while being terrified of what it meant for them. But now, with him draped over her back and his face tucked against her neck, their bodies as close as any two could be, she let those words push her over the edge.

Her cries were muffled by the bed as she turned face down and opened her mouth against the soft cotton sheet. She’d frozen, every muscle locked, but he continued to stroke back and forth, drawing out her orgasm as the warmth rocketed through her lower body. She wanted to say something, beg him to come too, but the words wouldn’t form around her incessant moaning.

He didn’t need them anyway.

When he groaned her name and jerked sloppily against her, she closed her eyes and imagined the way he was spilling into her, her clenching body holding him deep and asking for more. The graphic image sent another small wave through her core, making them both swear into the otherwise silent room.

They stayed there for quite a while, unconcerned with the way their sweat-slicked bodies were bound, simply finding each other’s heartbeats and waiting for them to slow together. He nuzzled his face in her hair and whispered nonsense, and she twisted around enough to kiss him lazily until they were ready to slip apart.

He finally lifted himself off her and shifted to her side; she rolled slightly so that she could face him. His hair was flopped adorably across his forehead and she reached up to brush it aside, trailing her fingers down the side of her face as she looked at him with an honesty that was still new to her. This was it, everything she worked toward for so long, and there was only one thing left to say.

“I love you, too.”


End file.
